Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Woman's Day #throughglass

After this video...

my heart jumped. then i realize it wasn't okay or acceptable anymore.

whether he be your lover or... your father...

i'm still in shock because this seems familiar...

to think no one thought it was wrong at the time...

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Alone + ( happy or sad )

It is a joy to be alone when you feel happy.

It is difficult to be alone when you feel sad. It is difficult to escape sadness when it decides to visit when you are alone. 

The emotional pain is not as tormenting as the physical pain. Where your chest physically hurts all day and you know it is caused by the physiology of emotional pain...

It doesn't matter where you eat when you're on your own.. Sometimes when I get tired I just sit by the steps/ledges on the streets. It's the mental and emotional tiredness that feels like you just want to plop down and sit/lie there to take a break from it all... It doesn't matter if it's next to a busy road... It really doesn't...

 I had a take away I planned to eat for dinner at home today.

Today, I didn't feel tired but the pang on my heart was too much to bare and I had to eat. I took my lunch spoon out and sat on a ledge which formed the borders of the Cadbury staff parking lot and sat there while I engulfed my bibimbap. When I'm not busy stuffing my mouth, I was staring in to space, deep in thoughts while I chew. The unkind ones, the unkind thoughts that speaks to me. When I felt full, I stopped, packed up and continued on home... 

It doesn't matter where you eat or what you do when you are on your own. You don't care and surely, no one else cares. Nothing is appropriate or inappropriate when you are on your own. 

I asked myself... "Where did my trust and open heartlessness to people go?" 

Why are there only strangers in my world? 
Why does strangers remain strangers even when I see them everyday? 
Where has my trust in people gone?
Where has my openness to people gone?

Fear has engulfed them all. The past has engulfed them all. 

I stood there and let it happen...

Sadness from never doing anything

I think I've gotten to the point where

Me complaining that I don't have a group of friends and feeling pathetic and hurt about it

Is like

A fat person complaining that they're fat and ugly, feeling pathetic and hurt by it..

The answer to fix these two problems are obvious..

Do something about it... ANYTHING. 

But in the end I feel like total shit. Shit days. I feel like I'm going to die.

Graveyard of emotions

I wish my shitty crappy emotions of crappiness would curl up in to a ball and die in an emotional graveyard hole.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Social media

Social media can make you look like shit in many ways. When you post stupid things, angry things or pathetic things.
Sometimes though, I can't help it and self expression through social media can be a compulsion, a quick release.
I used to write and say whatever I think so freely. Well, I guess it was okay back then because it was just lame shallow rants made by a teenager. But now, i see it as more of a place where you can unintentionally hurt or offend others and a place where others have the potential to hurt you.
The Internet is vast and most people will see it as a wonderful place for freedom of expression. But I guess to some, it will either make no difference, or it will be a place that constantly tries to fool you into thinking it is a safe haven when most of the time, it is not. To me it's like an underground maze, you don't know when you're going to fall in to a trap or find yourself a treasure. 
Growing up kind of sucks but I'm also glad that I have the fortune to learn from the world and my experiences.

Friday, February 28, 2014

February 28th. Midnight.

The night is silent. Not a single giggle heard from downstairs. I lost my temper this time and shouted. I told them to keep it down and lightly slammed my door, trying to timidly make a point that I am not patient today. I assume they dispersed quickly. I've been trying to tolerate the noise level for a very very long time. But when I get angry, man, sometimes I can... okay that's another horrible story.

I've started my cytopathology placement and it has been good so far, and everything is much more relaxed compared to last year and I feel that I am doing well with the work. I can't believe that I could get good at screening slides when I was totally clueless last year. I guess working one on one with your tutor does help alot.

Though, I am abit dissapointed as you dont earn much by being a medical laboratory scientist. My bet is that, the salary may almost be the same as what business students would earn. But they would have a more chatty type job with less serious consequences. I feel like I've been duped. Predetermined to walk the science path since forever, without being given the chance to dive deeper in to the arts.

Being in the cytology department has been nice, just screening slides all day. I'm going to start working on my special project soon, which also seems to be something achievable and relatively simple to do in theory.

I just wonder though, what it would be like to study business or something of the arts, like english literature or sociology or whatever else out there! When I think about it, I guess it was kind of unfair to just separate out the "smart" students and put them in a science stream and the others in the business stream.

Growing up, everyone always make it sound like the sciences are more superior than other courses, and that people who do sciences will somehow become really successful and whatnot one day, when they grow up. ( at least, in my perspective ).

Truthfully, now i even wonder wether it was all worth it. In college, the other students get to go home early from school while I have to stay until 3-4 pm sometimes. And in university, the other students get to party and do shit, while I stay at home worrying and prepping for the next few days ahead, and needing to attend 3-4 hour long lab sessions on top of normal lectures.

I mean, science is awesome, but I never got to explore or choose something outside of the sciences. Things has always been chosen for me, and everything has been automatic.

I mean, I'm creative too... and some parts of me are missing. Why do other kids in my secondary school get to experience woodwork, or art, or learn about the business world when i dont? Why do I not know what is sociology? what would I learn from english literature? I think they're pretty interesting. How about pottery? or painting? or sculpting? Those are amazing too, it would be wonderful if you get to seriously learn those... When I see their artwork, I become envious of them... I think I could do well in them too... I love it when they give you a theme, and you are challenged to create something out of that, and that something could possibly turn out to be miraculous...that's a delightful thrill... I think I would enjoy the stresses that you have to face with that too... I even get jealous when dentistry students are forced to sculpt enlarged clay models of human teeth for their assignments, I helped out with one and I love love love playing with clay. Why didn't I become a dentist? I guess it's just like med, its just too serious and too depressing most of the time when you're learning it. But when I think about it, I guess dentistry would have also been a good path for me to take... Higher salary summore... But I would not enjoy working back home as a dentist. Yeah, good pay and always popular. Should have been a dentist. hah. too late. It's okay. School is just so daunting. LEARNING HEALTH SCIENCES HERE IS JUST FUCKING DAUNTING.

Even writing this is kind of hard. But last time, in english class, I remembered how easy words used to flow and go together, I remember how easy it was to be descriptive and instill emotions into words. I used to get praised for my work... Writing is like painting with words, its art. And I like that about writing. And I wasn't amazing at it, but I like to think that I'm pretty good at painting word pictures.

Doing the sciences for a job sounds awesome, but am I really suited for it? I now feel like I am capable of it. But, how about jobs that let your cheery type personality shine through? Being in the office all day screening slides or growing microbial colonies? It's definitely predictable and safe. But is that enough for me? Would I be happier in a more casual and social work environment? At least I'm not doing physiotherapy...right? If i was still doing physiotherapy, I would have already graduated last December. Would I have made it?

There are still so many interesting things to learn and I want to learn it... But I'm also totally sick of academia. Studying is horrible. School is horrible. Yet, I want to go back and learn some more, I feel the urge to get another degree in the arts just to know what it feels like to be a non-science student because deep down inside, I know there is much more to me than this. Definitely.

I'm so used to following the rules now, I worry in school about what is right and what is wrong because as a science student, there is no room for error, and everything HAS to be done RIGHT.

But I want to create, I want to be creative and explore in another plane where right and wrong isn't just divided by a straight black line. Where a piece of answer paper can be your playground of endless possibilities, where nothing can be exactly right or wrong.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

The wonderful things a journal can do for you

I think writing in a journal helps a lot, especially when you write about both the good and the bad and acknowledge what you are truly feeling on the inside.
After that, you get to analyze your situation and figure out what you really want out of life.. It's way easier to find out what you want when you've written out what you don't like/want in your book, you just flip the story and ask for the opposite!

After all...

If you ask.. You shall recieve..


Bless everyone! 

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Dead in bed. 

I just don't feel like picking my shit up. I don't.