Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
It's funny how you're down one moment and happy in the next. It will be a week since I've been back home and I've been counting my blessings. I'm happy that things are going real well and I'm trying my best to cherish every moment of it. I actually feel like I am progressing which is good.
I'm just glad that I have the time to rest and have people around that care. It makes me feel less detached. I feel the need to give my love and care back but I am still shy.
When I think about the past, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. But I need to remember that whatever I have lost is progress and gains in disguise. I also need to remind myself to stand up for myself and not let the actions or thoughts of others to push me down. I deserve only the best and I claim only the best.
Thanks family and friends. Each one of you are playing an important role in my life even if you don't know it, and I am really grateful.
I'm also beginning to contemplate on what type of person I want to be. A change in mindset is a good thing :)
I hope this page will be filled with more happy posts
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Thank you for pointing that out.
What else am I?
I am gullible and suggestible
I am one sided and biased
I am criticizing and condescending
I am unforgiving and ungrateful
I am easily offended and i tend to judge
I am shallow and I am selfish
I am not open to new ideas or suggestions
I am egotistical and narcissistic
Would you say that you are a perfect person?
Sometimes when I'm filled with anxiety, it's not just about the coming event I have to face. Sometimes, it is also about the anxiety of life. Not trusting that things will be fine and constantly drenched in a sense of lingering fear.
Unable to recognize that those who surround me may love me or care about me. I still see them as a separate entity, soulless shells who do not matter for only I can feel. How would I know if they are real people with real feelings and stories that continue on after you've left the conversation? they could all be robots. Bedazzled by their kindness, openness, and empathy, I then remember that I've forgotten how to be kind.
When i begin to think like that, I start wondering maybe it is I who is a soulless shell. Then I ask myself, where did I misplace it? I am the robot.
When you put up too many barriers, you will one day find yourself on your own. You become disconnected. Emotionally and mentally. No one will know you, you will know no one. You may even begin to forget who you are. Then you start avoiding your true self, fearing that you may see things in you that you may not like.
Yesterday, I asked myself who am I?
Is who I am the person I want to be or the person I think I currently am. Is the true me the person I was in the past? Or is the true me the person I am now? Am I just who I am?
Unsurprisingly, no definite take on anything.
I just don't want to be the person in my mind right now.
I know that I still have a lot of growing up to do.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
I think it is necessary for everybody at their youths should be encouraged and made a necessity to leave home and live in a different country for a few years. 5 maybe.
It opens your eyes to a whole new world and a greater understanding of your own country. If you live in your country your whole life and say you know your country, your culture and your home, you may be wrong.
It's a great experience to be able to study overseas for 4 years now, and it just made me see life differently now..
How the real world is like.. what is real.. What isn't real.. What makes sense and what doesn't...What's the truth.. What sort of culture and belief were you subconsciously brainwashed into.. What is home.. Who is home?
I'm never good enough..
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
A week of escape.
Now seems like a week in limbo.
Been counting down the days to here.
Present. Current. At the moment.
Now. Trapped in a timeless place.
Now, just 4 walls. The walls they send you to for a time out.
To reflect on what you've done, what you have not done, and what you didn't do good enough.
Who knew the end would feel so dry.
Dry like chapped lips and thirsty for water. Dry like the coarse out breath and the smell of desert wind. Dry like, dry.
Time alone. My sweet delight.
No musts. No shoulds. No shouldn'ts.
No buts. No whys. No why nots.
No smiles. No warm meals. No welcome homes.
A self barricaded jail house?
Sentenced to a period of solitary confinement.
Trying to sound interesting
Do you think I'm interesting?
Friday, November 01, 2013
4 more days until I'm done with exams
Getting my first tat the day after that
And 2 more weeks until I'm home!
Never been so excited to be showered with love, care, food and attention!
And the blissful luxury of free time.. I miss you free time.. I do. You and I iz gonna be besties for 3 months.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Now I know why my blood boils when I see those people,
Dressing the way they do and acting the way they do.
I thought that it was harsh of me to feel the way I feel but now I know, that I feel this way because they represent everything I am against.
I believe in the freedom of expression, and the embracing of sexuality, and the freedom to do and be whoever you want without the need or approval of others for it does not matter.
I do not want to teach my children to be shameful about ther sexuality, or their bodies, or teach them to be good by implementing fear into their lives.
I do not want my children to shun others who have done wrong and turn their backs on those who are not socially accepted for it does not mean they are evil. Be pro-choice! That is what I will always say. Every one always have a reason to every action they take.
I do not want others to tell my children what is right and what is wrong, what they should do or what they shouldn't do. For they have their own relationship with their concience, spirit, god or whatever you may call it and they will act out of love rather than fear.
This is opression and making the people of this place work for the up theres, by making them turn against eachother. To be different, you should be killed. That is what I am hearing.
I hold my tongue and hold my breath, pressure boiling inside, all these people who tell me what I should be and do and what I shouldn't like it's their business.. I yell out in my head , "shut the fuck up." Why? I see you covered in hipocrisy.
This only strongly fuels my repulsion from them and chips away at the respect I used to have from them.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Everytime I get agitated and take a piss on people..
I feel sad for myself later on..
Why do I choose to hurt people that actually cares for me?
I sometimes just can't help it..
when things aren't good enough..
I explode and get verbally aggressive..