chillibum

Heart and Fear, Head and stability

its so weird going in to an exam and you didnt study much, well i think i did, but i didnt expect to remember much but i still kept on writing. My mouth kept saying i should quit, but my body stayed put and did not leave CAL ( computer assisted learning lab - 24 hour study place ). The exam went well somehow i just wrote and wrote and felt so neutral about it, i dont know, I felt kinda dissapointed to think that i didnt flunk and i wouldnt for this one. I was already day dreaming about being an air stewardess.

I like pharmacology, i like anatomy, i like to study. but i dont like exams, i dont like having to know things or having to sit down and study. i suck at clinical practice, i dont have any angmo friends, but i like new zealand.

new zealand feels nice. but i dont feel really really yay.

so i cannot make a decision. in the end i just go with the flow and stay in the safe zone even when i cry and whine and have great ideas because im in a "comfortable zone".

I want to explore without consequence, I want to explore but im also afraid. My mind drifts off in to so many different directions.

I just realized i have never made any big decisions before, everything i just accept as it comes to me, There is no direction I want to go, no dream i specifically want to chase.

So the question is, Should i stay or should i go? Should i remain this way and wait this feeling out or just say TO HELL WITH IT! i will ruin mu life until i am satisfied with what i have done with it with my own pleasure!

To be content and dead inside? 

or to be happy and possibly regretful?

my friends here, they dont get it, why do i bother having this conversation with them.

I have to remember that i dont really have mainstream thinking....amd its not wrong or weird.

at battle here. Heart based or Head based?

My heart has alot of suggestions:
get an anandamarga yoga teaching course
get qualified to direct laughter yoga and be informed about it
yoga laughter and well being centre
start a vegetarian shop, or a jaqy sandwich shop
maybe work in a canteen and pasar malam and build up from there
work on easecox to see if i can do it and actually earn money and be creative about it
be a stewardess and travel around the world for a couple of years making good friends and just embracing freedom with " coffee or tea madam?' *smile* yeah getting hit on good looking rich guys is nice too..lol?
start a marshmellow chocolate booth in the mall on the third floor

...

I cannot live like this, live in stress for a whole year, up and down and anxiety? It really makes me want to go pop some prozac in my mouth or something.

You know how bad it is? Its like everytime I think about something that makes me anxious, I get this tremor all over my upper limbs, shortness of breath and confusion and panic attack. Its not even funny because it happen so many times this year because of this stupid course. it makes me think its not worth it, because this is not me. or maybe its the stupid name lim hsiu chie that makes me takut of everything.

seriously, i just want to go home and never ever study again. i dont want to live like this, especially thinking that its 2 more years...i cannot live like this, i will definitely just DIE of anxiety or drug overdose.

It feels so often that im scared, and i want to stop this. i dont want to study in university anymore...
I hate this feeling, i feel so helpless and stupid ... i dont like feeling anxious...